3 Comedians With 3 Funny Stories

3 funny stories, Sir Les Patterson gives his wife some advice, plus a story about a farm guest talking to animals & another farmer who needs help.

Plus sticking with the animal theme 3 more jokes

Darwin woman Beverly Thompson, 38, has stopped a crocodile attack using a small .22 calibre Ruger pistol. This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

Here’s her story in her own words:

“While walking along the edge of a lake near my house in the Zuccoli Village Estate near Darwin, discussing a property settlement with my soon-to-be-ex-husband, and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 3.5 metre crocodile which suddenly emerged from the murky water.

“It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.

If I had not had my little Ruger .22 calibre pistol with me, I wouldn’t be here today!” said Beverly.

“Just one shot to my estranged husband’s kneecap was all it took. The croc got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

The amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible – and his life insurance was also a big bonus!

It makes a good case for permits to carry licensed firearms in the Territory.”

This story sounds like a load of bull, and it is

Farmer buys a new bull to service his cows, but there was a problem.

I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn’t even look at a cow.

I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.

Anyway …… I had the Vet come and take a look at him.

He said, the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days ……. all my cows!

He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbour’s cows!

He’s like a machine!

I don’t know what was in the pills the Vet gave him … but they kind of taste like peppermint.

Be careful about what you wish for, you just might get it

The Emu and the Truckie

Aussie truckie walks into an outback café with a full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders..

The truckie says, ‘A hamburger, chips and a coke,’ and turns to the emu, ‘What’s yours?’
‘Sounds great, I’ll have the same,’ says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order ‘That will be $9.40 please,’ and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays..

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, ‘A hamburger, chips and a coke.’
The emu says, ‘ Sounds great, I’ll have the same.’

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. ‘The usual?’ asks the waitress.

‘No, it’s Friday night, so I’ll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,’ says the man..
‘ Same for me,’ says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, ‘That will be $32.62.’

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. ‘Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?’

‘Well, love’ says the truckie, ‘a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.’

‘That’s brilliant!’ says the waitress. ‘Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!’

‘That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.’ says the man.

Still curious the waitress asks, ‘What’s with the bloody emu?’

The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, ‘My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.