Plus a few words about the inhabitants of Oz

“Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom half of the planet.  It is recognizable from orbit because of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which  plunge into the girting sea. 

Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology, but  they still call it the “Great Australian Bight”, proving that not only are they covering up a  more frightening theory, but they can’t spell  either.

The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place.  Where other landmasses and sovereign lands are classified as continent, island or country, Australia is  considered all three.

Typically, it is unique in this.

The second confusing thing about Australia is the animals.  They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep.  It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them.  Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them.  However, there are few snakes, possibly because the  spiders have killed them all.

But even the  spiders won’t go near the sea.  Any visitors should  be careful to check inside boots (before putting them  on), under toilet seats (before sitting down) and  generally everywhere else.  A stick is very  useful for this task.

The last confusing thing  about Australia is the inhabitants.

A short  history: Sometime around 40,000 years ago some people arrived in boats from the north.  They ate all the available food, and a lot of them died.  The  ones who survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man’s proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders.  They settled in and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories.

Then, around 200 years ago,  Europeans arrived in boats from the north. More  accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged people in charge.  They tried to plant  their crops in autumn (failing to take account of the  reversal of the seasons), ate all their food, and a  lot of them died.

About then the sheep arrived,  and have been treasured ever since.  It is  interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal and litigate (marks of a civilized culture they say),  whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert,  equipped with a stick.

Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on ‘extended holiday’  and became Australians.  The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of  nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking inside their boots every morning for fatal surprises.  They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world,  and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories.  Be  warned.

There is also the matter of the beaches.  Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the world, although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which  sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock  and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders.   However, watching a beach sunset Is worth the risk.

As a result of all this  hardship, dirt, thirst and wombats, you would expect Australians to be a dour lot.  Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful and always willing to share a  kind word with a stranger. Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick.  Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string  and mud.

Alone of all the races on earth, they  seem to be free from the ‘Grass is greener on the  other side of the fence’ syndrome, and  roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the  other side of that fence.

They call the land “Oz” or  “Godzone” (a verbal contraction of “God’s Own  Country”).



Don’t ever put your hand down a hole  for any reason WHATSOEVER.

The beer is stronger  than you think, regardless of how strong you think, it is.

Always carry a stick.

Air-conditioning  is imperative.

Do not attempt to use Australian slang unless you are a trained linguist and extremely  good in a fist fight.

Wear thick socks.

Take good maps.  Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people  nearby.

If you leave the urban areas, carry  several litres of water with you at all times, or you will die.  And don’t forget a stick.

Even in  the most embellished stories told by Australians, there  is always a core of truth that it is unwise to  ignore.


They  waddle when they walk due to the 53 expired petrol  discount vouchers stuffed in their wallet or  purse.

They pronounce Melbourne as  “Mel-bin”.

They think it makes perfect sense to decorate highways with large fibreglass bananas,  prawns and sheep.

They think “Woolloomooloo” is a  perfectly reasonable name for a place, that “Wagga  Wagga” can be abbreviated to “Wagga”, but “Woy Woy” can’t be called “Woy”.

Their hamburgers will contain beetroot.  Apparently it’s a must-have.

They don’t think it’s summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.

They  believe that all train timetables are works of fiction.

And they all carry a stick and say “she’ll be right mate”.

Your Pleasure is Our Business. Our goal is to relieve your stress, enhance your pleasure, take you to a new level of ecstasy and leave you dripping with joy.Love Honey Sale Specials

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