Crime And Punishment & A Winning Bum

Crime and punishment go together if you get caught. The first 2 crimes will finish in court, the 3rd is dealt with on the spot & the 4th is a poker cheat.

Plus a couple of jokes with a law and order theme

Paddy and his day in court

An Irish farmer named Paddy had a car accident, as a result of this situation Paddy decided to sue the trucking company that caused the accident.

At court, the truck company’s hot-shot lawyer was questioning Paddy

“Didn’t you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, I’m fine?” Asked the solicitor.

Paddy responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened, I just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow into the trailer.”

“I didn’t ask for any details” the solicitor interrupted. “Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, I’m fine.”

Paddy said, “Well I just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road.”

The solicitor interrupted again and said, “Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, Paddy told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now, weeks later, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a crooked fraudster. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

At this time the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy’s answer and said to the solicitor, “ I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow.”

Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded. “As I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this large semi trailer came through a Stop Sign and hit my trailer right in the middle. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.

I was hurt really bad and didn’t want to move.

Bessie was moaning and groaning, poor old thing, . I knew she was in bad shape just by her groans and moans. Shortly after the accident a policeman on a motor bike arrived. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.”

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in his hand, looked at me and said, “ How are you feeling “

Now what would you have said?

And then we have Murder At Woolworths

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A ‘friend of a friend’ put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of ‘Artie.’

Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn’t have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife’s insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man’s wife to the local Woolworths Supermarket store.

There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.

As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene.

Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol’ Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store’s security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared…

(You’re going to hate me for this…scroll down)

“ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WOOLWORTHS”

Oh, quit groaning! I don’t write this stuff, I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you.